Have you ever noticed going through periods of silence? One of inner quietude, rather than not speaking.
I have learned that my interior life goes through seasons: times when my thoughts are clear and vibrant; when prayer is lush and fruitful; when God is not only near but His voice is clearly discernible, whether I’m reading scripture or a novel, spending time with friends, watching a movie, or walking in the woods.
There are other times of utter emptiness, when my creativity has dried up, and spiritually I am wandering the desert. There is no sense of God’s presence, no consolation. St. John of the Cross speaks of the Dark Night, which ironically is a help to spiritual growth and a sign of God’s favour, but sometimes these periods of utter nothingness are mere aridity, possibly brought on by my own lack of cooperation with grace.
Somewhere in the middle of the two states, is one of silence. When in a period of inner quiet, even my thoughts are mute. I haven’t become an empty-headed fool -- I am functioning as normal, and I know that I am processing thoughts, but the thoughts have sunk below the surface and I cannot tap into them. I read scripture without connecting; there are no flashes of inspiration or insight from conversations or reading; prayer is not arduous but it doesn’t feel alive. Though I still know God is close, I haven’t the lovely consolation of feeling Him.
When I come out of this, I will have reached a conclusion about something I’ve been wrestling with lately, or had an insight into something I’ve been wondering about. There will be relief of knowing that something was going on in my brain afterall, gratitude for the result, and joy to have it behind me once more.
Does this sound familiar? Have you ever experienced this sort of thing yourself?
Yes! I have! I do! But I cannot elaborate on it, or express any more than this, because the words aren't there to do so....
ReplyDeleteI think at times these feelings of emptiness of the Divine and the lack of consolation are by design. I've had my share of these periods of darkness and it's not pleasant.
ReplyDeleteFrom my own experience I believe God gives us aridity rather than good feelings because as humans, we pursue things that make us feel good rather than doing them because they are right and beneficial to us. Left to our own devices, we would seek out God in prayer or in scripture for the feelings we get rather than for God and his glory.
We take medicines for healing though they are bitter to the tongue. Do we stop taking them? No, for we know they are beneficial to our bodies.
If we approach prayer for the feelings we get and enjoy, then we have approached it for the wrong reason, and this aridity and darkness may be God's way of telling us.
I can assure you that when Jesus hung from the cross and cried out, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" he was not having a warm and fuzzy feeling. Being fully human, he felt the ultimate in aridity and abandonment by God yet he persisted in His sacrifice for he knew that he was doing the Father's will. At any time he could have said 'enough' and come down from the cross, but that would have defeated the whole purpose of why he came and lived and died among us in the first place.
We are taught to seek God with our whole mind, with all our heart, with all our strength and with our whole being. If we depend on good feelings to get there we will be sorely disappointed for salvation does not depend on good feelings, but doing what is right despite the lack of them. Good feelings should not be our goal, but doing the Father's will. I'm still learning this.
Hello Tess,
ReplyDeleteWhat a thoughtful post, and Bobby and Nancy gave wonderful replies:). You comment sounds very familiar in many ways, and I think it is God's means of having us listen. I often find that when I am not sure of the answer I tend to listen more during prayer. Also, most times when I am struggling with something/some decision I am not sure of what to do and I am not peaceful... but when I make a decision and follow what appears to be the clearest path there is a deep sense of peace (even if I am sad about the decision). Well, thanks for your posts... I appreciate reading them regularly.
God bless,
Frances
Hello Tess,
ReplyDeleteWhat a thoughtful post, and Bobby and Nancy gave wonderful replies:). You comment sounds very familiar in many ways, and I think it is God's means of having us listen. I often find that when I am not sure of the answer I tend to listen more during prayer. Also, most times when I am struggling with something/some decision I am not sure of what to do and I am not peaceful... but when I make a decision and follow what appears to be the clearest path there is a deep sense of peace (even if I am sad about the decision). Well, thanks for your posts... I appreciate reading them regularly.
God bless,
Frances
Tess, In reading the comments over again, I'm afraid I may have sounded as if I was accusing you of pursuing prayer for the wrong reason. I assure you, that was not my intention at all. Please don't take it that way. I wrote of my own experience in the past.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments - and encouragement! God is good all the time (All the time, God is good) It seems I spend a great deal of time questioning God what He is doing with me. Perhaps my purgatory will be spent playing those team-building games that are meant to foster trust. Even in the silence, though, I know He IS, and I'm holding on to that.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you all! And thank you for visiting The Lighthouse.
t.