Of leaks and sockets

Don't fall off your chair!

Yes, it's me, Tess, former prolific rambler of Lighthouse nonsense.

Life is in flux. Can I say flux online?  With one week of new job under my belt, I do believe my brain has been so stuffed with new information that it has undertaken a slow leak out of my ears. I comforted myself one night on the drive home, that what I'm learning is in general what I already know - it's only the specifics that are new, so all I have to learn are the specifics. Then I remembered the specifics number in the gigabytes and the leaking continued.

It is interesting how much you can tell about a person based on how they talk about their job, and how they approach teaching or training.  I've spent most of week being passed from department to department to learn what they do best, and every single person had a different approach. Quite an interesting personality study, that was.

I have to tell you, it is quite a delight to be working with other library people again after many years of mingling with (pardon the expression) civilians. We understand each other, geek out over the same things, speak the same language, and have key personality traits in common. I feel like I am with my people, my tribe once more, and that's pretty nice.

A new home has been found as well, did I mention that earlier?  I should be able to move in, in the next few weeks.  Somehow between first seeing the place and going back to sign the lease, it had grown to quite palatial dimensions and I was envisioning rather airy spaces with strategically placed electrical outlets, adequate closet space, and a bathroom door that opened in the right direction.  That bubble burst with the second viewing, but the heart-happiness remained because of the soaring ceilings, the cute old fashioned kitchen with the wrought iron fire escape, and the bathroom all to myself.  I'll figure out the storage and furniture placement issues later.  When I get furniture.  Two fantastic details are that I will be in walking distance of both work locations, and within walking distance of two Catholic churches.  How good is that?

Soon, I will be back on some semblance of a schedule and will be inundating you with more rambling nonsense.  In the meantime, I thank you for all your prayers and well wishes.  I hope to make it to all your blogs soon to find out what has been going on with you.

Tess.

Prince Charming in disguise

It is a tricky thing, to be a human in the West, during these millennial times (is that what we’re calling them?)

I’m thinking particularly – as I so often do – of the tricky distance between men and women. 

Even more particularly, I’m thinking about attractive men.  Not pretty men.  Not ‘I-know-my-way-around-the-hair-product-aisle’ men, or ‘my perfect abs come from the gym’ men.  I’m contemplating men who know where the toolbox is, and the fine distinctions between the flat screwdriver and the one that looks like a star; men who hold open the door for whoever is behind them, defend the smaller and weaker; men who enjoy a beer with the sporting event of their choice, but moderate their language when in the company of ladies.

I’ve read somewhere along the way, about studies into the effect of artificial sterility – ie. chemical birth control – on the attraction between men and women. Turns out a woman looks for different things in a man when her fertility is suppressed. A woman on contraception is more drawn to the delicate, sensitive emasculated lads, while a woman potentially capable of bearing new life is keen on manly men.

Dark hair and blue eyes aside, Zac Ephron in The Lucky One (the latest offering of Nicholas Sparks in cinemas near you) portrayed manliness so well I was in very grave danger. Not of committing serious sin, I hasten to add, but of being drawn into the fairy tale of Prince Charming on his white charger.

Seemingly innocent, happily ever after is a gossamer web, an enticing, glistening snare. Lured by the delicate image of lovers silhouetted against the setting sun, a yearning heart will overlook more realistic possibilities of real love – the companionable, oh-so-wonderful in its very ordinariness kind of love with a companionable, oh-so-wonderful in his very ordinariness kind of man.  As a single woman of a certain age, I am trying to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God, according to my circumstances. While I am not morose or bitter about my lot in life, I am aware that something is lacking. I know that I am meant to belong to someone – whether a husband and family, or a religious community. It is my great sadness that neither has been fulfilled.

In order to maintain a level of peace and joy, I have to be cautious of what I am feeding my imagination, which in turn fuels my hopes and goals. My longing for a good man to call my own was dormant until I watched The Lucky One, which awakened thoughts of the man of my dreams.  It was a dangerous thing to have done not because wanting to meet a good man is wrong, but because the movie hero is not reflective of reality… or only true to life in very broad strokes. 

There are good men out there – I know many of you and am fortunate to count you as my friends. You are trying hard to live Godly lives, just as we women are.  I don’t know many of you, though, who are good with children, kind to animals, able to renovate abandoned buildings, serve three tours of active duty as a Marine, capable of disarming a bad guy and tear down his weapon, play the piano and chess, rebuild an old tractor, read philosophy, and walk clear across the country with your perfect dog in search of  the girl whose picture you found in the rubble of a bomb attack.  All while looking like that. It would be the equivalent of Martha Stewart (uber housewife), and St.Therese (kind and gentle), wrapped up in the packaging of … I don’t know, Ingrid Bergman or Audrey Hepburn.  The stars in my eyes can potentially blind me to the more subdued beauty of Joe Smith sitting beside me at Mass.

For the married ladies among us, the storybook hero can cause you to become discontented with your own man. Your real life Prince Charming doesn’t stand outside your window holding the world’s heaviest portable stereo, declaring his love for you to the neighbours by blaring ‘In your eyes’ by Peter Gabriel. Your guy needs to be asked three times to bring the garbage out, or won’t change poopy diapers, or chews with his mouth open, or cannot be persuaded to take you to museums or the ballet.  Can you see the goodness he does possess?  All the ways he proves his love to you and his family every day by getting up at dawn to go to work, the way he always takes time at night to read a bedtime story to the kids, or knows just how to massage your feet at the end of the day? 

True fairy tales seldom have a stirring soundtrack, and hardly ever take place in Paris in the Spring, or New York in the Fall. The Prince will almost never look or sing like Chris Cornell. He may be in disguise, but if we have healthy expectations and the right perspective, we’ll recognize him for the hero he is.

Ever so briefly

Offer accepted.

Home being hunted.

Move will be undertaken.  

Packing in my future.

Have I done the right thing? Am looking in corners for my reason and right thinking.

In other news, I recently watched a documentary called "This might get loud" about guitar heroes Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White.  Very very interesting, and there is actually a lot I'd love to say about it - particularly how I miss 'real' music... meaning music with melody and guitars and passion.

For your listening pleasure, here is a sampling of each of the talented men from above:

(I chose tamer selections from each, for the more refined among you.  Don't want to shock anybody with the reality of my musical preferences!)

Led Zeppelin - Tangerine

U2 - Sunday bloody Sunday

ok, so this one isn't exactly tame, but it epitomizes the U2 I thought was great: raw and convicted, just steps away from their punk roots.

The White Stripes - Jolene

There are so many words waiting to be written.  I hope to give them flight soon.

Update

The Call came through tonight. The appointment of last week which was really a job interview has resulted in a job offer.

This is very exciting for several reasons:

- someone wants me

- the job itself intrigues me. It is similar enough to what I have done in the past that I'm confident I can do it, but new enough, and challenging enough to be exciting, and maybe lead to something I never would have considered.

- money!  After 3 years of no steady employment (sometimes by choice, often by circumstance) it would be nice to have reliable income, even if only for a while.

- it's part time, meaning I could still get some writing done.

The drawbacks are these:

- it's over an hour away from Sohoe and the Peanuts.  I would miss them dearly.

- it's a temporary, part time position.  In 10 months I'll be in the same situation all over again.  Potentially.

- the location isn't very attractive. There is very little natural light and the walls are grey.  I'm sensitive to my environment, and frankly, this is the biggest negative on the list.  Except for the Peanuts.

It's as part of the children's services team at a public library. It would essentially be what I do in the schools, but in a different setting, and as part of a team.

Today is the Feast of St. Joseph the Worker.  I know I have him to thank for this because I have been pleading for his help for months.  It must mean something that this happened today, doesn't it?

Decisions, decisions.

St. Joseph the worker

For work which provides us dignity and meets our materials needs, we give thanks to the Lord through His good and faithful servant, Joseph, foster father of the Son of God, most chaste spouse of Mary.

Blessed St. Joseph, spouse of Mary, be mindful of us, pray for us, watch over us.  O guardian of the Child Jesus, take our affairs spiritual and temporal into your hands, and obtain for us the grace to know with certainty and perfectly the holy will of God.

Amen

Today is not that day

                 VS




Match 36 of 38.  After today there will be only two games left, and 6 points in play. It's the Manchester Derby:  City vs. United.  Don't be fooled by the friendly looking baby blue badge; don't be distracted by the three stars, or the posh Latin phrase:  Manchester City are The Bad Guys in today's clash.

Currently ahead by 3 points, and with 19 League titles under their belt, United know how important this confrontation is.  With home advantage given to their rivals, a loss today would even the points totals, giving City the edge in goal difference.  United, backed by Sir Alex Ferguson, have put all their trophy eggs in the EPL basket. Sir Alex has said they like it best this way, with a tight race.  While I'd love to echo his sentiment, and be very Joe Cool about today, I'm very much afraid for my blood pressure and the state of my manicure. In these situations, under these conditions, United can be either very very brilliant (they are, after all, The Best Team Ever), or they can be very very not brilliant.  It all depends on the opening minutes of the match: will they be confident and aggressive, or will they be tense and scrambling?

City, meanwhile, haven't topped the table in 44 years.  Forty-four years! People make a lot about the fact that it used to be City who were the big deal in Manchester, but while that may be true, they only managed to win the title twice.  Hmmm....  In recent years, they've brought in foreign management with foreign money, bought many top class players, and have been gunning for top spot.  Is this the year that the balance of power in the north of England will shift from Red to Blue?

Today is NOT that day.

GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED!

Whinging and moaning, or praying and waiting

Though I moan and whinge a great deal, the truth of it is I am blessed right out of my fuzzy pink socks. 

Being the moaner and whinger that I am (when I forget about the blessedness) I am often able to work myself into a right old state of stress induced mess. It’s a skill, let me tell you, one that I’ve been perfecting over my many long years of wandering this earth. I was refining my skills recently, what with the discernment to move, the need for additional or alternate work and so on.

Thinking that surely I could put all the necessary pieces into place, I was straining my whole being to try to make something happen.  Not leaving God out of the equation entirely, I sought to discern His will for me, fully expecting to hear back something rather wretched because that is what would be good for me (much like cardio and broccoli).

Months passed.  Nothing seemed to be happening. What was going on?  What had gone wrong?  I was at my wit’s end… the very frayed ends.  I applied for jobs out of province, jobs I didn’t really want, jobs in cities I had no intention of ever living in. I contemplated taking an apartment I couldn’t afford, reworked budget numbers again and again, all in an attempt to make something fit, to take any action for the sake of taking action.

Fortunately, God loves me.  And He speaks to me.  So often in my life I have heard His voice answering a need or a question so directly and so clearly there is no doubt whatsoever it is Him and it is for me.  It comes in a line of dialogue in a movie, the words of a friend, a passage in a novel.  Many times I hear Him in Scripture.  I will feel a strong prompting to open my bible and will be lead to a verse that speaks directly to my heart about what has been on my mind.

On this particular occasion, I was consumed with thoughts about the future, worrying about what I was supposed to do, wanting to push ahead.  I wanted to escape myself for a while and thought of watching Youtube clips (an excellent way to use up lots of time, if ever you find yourself with a few hours you don’t know what to do with)  I got that niggling feeling I should sit with my bible instead (something I haven’t been so great at, lately).

There, in Habakkuk 2: 3, was an answer to “What am I supposed to do? Why is this taking so long?”

For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint; If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late

God’s word really is a balm.  Instantly, the worry, anxiety, needing to push ahead, all faded away, leaving behind only peace… and patience.  God hasn’t forgotten about me. There is a plan, and it will be revealed in its proper time. I don’t have to make something happen; it’s not up to me to put all the pieces in place.  What a relief!  Now, I’ve been around for a while, so I knew this already.  I’ve even read this passage before – it’s highlighted in bible-highlighter-pencil yellow. But I was too busy with the plotting and fretting to remember those beautiful words.

But what about treadmills and broccoli? I must have stern protestants somewhere in my family tree, because I can’t shake the certainty that what God wants for me is not something I’m going to enjoy very much.  Surely happiness can’t be good for me, therefore what God wants for me is very different from what I want for me. In this situation, I’ve had one clear desire: to find a job in this area, and a lovely little apartment nearby the Peanuts, but I’ve been pushing those thoughts aside, bracing myself to hear the dreaded news that I would be moving to Regina to work in a grey office far, far away.

I woke up one morning – the morning of The Appointment (a job interview, actually) – with the realization that I had it all wrong.  It is true that my wants do not always align with what is best, and I do at times yearn for things outside of God’s Providence. Where I’ve gone wrong in my thinking this time, though, is that I have been really praying about the situation. I have been earnestly seeking God’s will, I really want to be obedient, and say yes to what He asks of me. Does it make any kind of sense then, that He would consign me to misery?  No!

For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD, "plans of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me, and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek me, and find me, when you search for Me with all your heart. ~ Jer. 29:11-13

Plans of peace, a future and a hope; when I seek God, I will find Him.  There is nothing to be wary of in that! That is a promise I can embrace wholeheartedly.  And there is more:

Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. ~ Psalm 37:4,5 

For the first time I understood this to mean that not only will God provide the answer to my prayer, my desires, my needs, but that the desire itself, the actual yearning comes from Him. When I am seeking God first of all, everything else falls into proper order, including my goals and ambitions, my hopes and dreams.  With this perspective, I can see that my wanting to stay close to my family is something God wants for me, too.

So, no more worrying for me. I will be patient and wait for God to show me the next step forward.  And it will be worth the wait.

Every good and perfect gift comes from God  ~ James 1:17