Not fine

I'm not fine. Not at all fine.

Nothing about this is fine. Global pandemic. Lockdown. Isolation. Uncertainty. 53 weeks and counting.

We often compare ourselves to those who lived through WWII. "How resilient they were," we say, "So capable. Isn't it lovely how they all pulled together?" Yes it was. They did pull together. And they were resilient. And capable. They lived through extraordinary times in an extraordinary manner. It's quite possible they were stronger than us, more capable than us.

I'll wager though, that more than one person, at some point, said "I don't care about the blackout! I've been in the dark for FOUR YEARS and I'm opening the curtains!"

I tell you, I'm about to rip the curtains open.

I found a photo from last April. In it, my car sits in the driveway, hood up, jumper cables connecting it to the neighbour's car. I'd tried to get out of the house for a few hours by taking a little drive but car and I were grounded. Darn all dead batteries!  This was only a few weeks in, and I was thinking escape.  I came across an email conversation a few weeks further on, between me and a colleague in which we share what we'd been up to: decluttering, walking, baking, cooking, painting... and hoping this wouldn't go on too much longer because we'd done all the things. This was a year ago.

Yes, life has slowed down. It's been stripped back and simplified in many ways (but so complicated in others. Have you tried buying eyeglasses in the past year?)  I enjoy the clean conveyor belt at the grocery store. I like that people have embraced board games, puzzles, crafts, cooking, baking, and so on. I like this larger bubble of personal space and will find it difficult to give up 'when this is all over'. Even this cloud has a silver lining.

There was a period of time last year when the interior workings of thinking, deciding, focusing stopped functioning for me. I tried an online counseling session, but the remedy offered was to read 80 pages a week on depression. Not helpful, considering the major symptoms I'd given were "inability to focus, unable to read, and feeling overwhelmed by the smallest tasks." Daylight grew stronger, and so did I, which is often the remedy for me: sunshine, nature... these are excellent mood elevators. So it surprises me that now, just when Spring is busy springing all over the place, I am feeling so low.

I've experienced anxiety and depression in the past, for which I went to counseling and received excellent help. I learned coping mechanisms, cognitive behavioral therapy strategies, and was fascinated by how the mind can work for you instead of against you by shifting how you think. Finding that counselor was an answer to desperate prayer, let me tell you!

Strategies aren't a magic bullet though. Or maybe I mean that you have to be able to pull the trigger... except that sounds rather grim, doesn't it? What I mean to say is that right now I'm finding it really hard to kick start the strategies or get the ball rolling toward mental wellbeing. I'm tired. Tired of not seeing whole faces rather than just eyes. I'm tired of being afraid to be close to people. The struggle between wanting to leave the house and being reluctant to leave the house is exhausting. I'm tired of missing family celebrations. I miss hugging my friends and family.  I'm worn out from being tired.

What else is there to say except that none of this is fine?

PS - I'd like to encourage you to not hesitate if you are feeling worn out, tired, anxious, overwhelmed to find someone to talk to about it, whether it's a counselling service or a friend. Just saying the words to another person does a lot to lighten the load. Don't even think that what you're going through isn't as tough as what someone else has on their plate. There's enough compassion for everyone.