Let's get critical

I don't really mean the title; Olivia Newton-John jumped into my brain and that's what came of it.  I've come across some amusing literary critiques lately, and thought to share.  I'd like to have the pith, the wit, and the humour of these critics:

From the movie Epic.  One of the snails says to the bad guy: "Your stories are boring and torturous!"

From the movie Hitchcock. The man himself animadverts the bulk of the publishing industry, saying they produce, "Sleeping pills with dust jackets."  (I do not know if he ever said such a thing in real life, but as a quote, I like it.)

Dave Barry on Fifty shades of grey: "If Jane Austen came back to life and read this book, she would kill herself."
In describing the main character "you, the reader, find yourself wishing that you still smoked so you would have a cigarette lighter handy and thus could set fire to certain pages, especially the ones where Antastasia is telling you about her 'inner goddess'..."
Describing the plodding, cyclical nature of the plot, in which the characters act, then talk, then act, then talk "and so on for several hundred word-filled pages."
There are two more books in the series, Barry writes, "Fifty shades darker and The third fifty shades book that was required to make it a trilogy. I assume these books bring these two lovebirds back together [...] I don't know because I haven't read them, although I fully intend to do so in the future if the only alternative is crucifixion."  Then he describes it as badly written and unrealistic.  But he did so with great humour.  I'm such a big fan of his writing.

Not funny ha-ha, but funny what-a-coincidence, was this comment on the website Bookriot about a book that was recommended to the reviewer despite "some major editing issues (the funniest error was a reference to Janie's 'parental grandmother'...)"  Ha!  Bad editor strikes again.

It can be difficult to balance being kind with being honest, I know. When in doubt, go for humour.