Where the light shines

It's been a month now. More than that really. It's still new enough that our anniversaries are small ones: I count Tuesdays. The idea that we will eventually think in terms of years is not really a comfort just yet. I'm still at the stage of not believing it - the fact that death has touched us so intimately hasn't yet sunk in. Every day... almost every hour actually... it rolls over me like a giant wave: Pop died. He is gone. And right now, that is where my sadness hurts the most. I mourn for myself, and for my family and our friends; but I am also mourning for him and what he experienced.

Let me be quite clear: I know with everything in me that God has blessed us all, even in what to human eyes looks like a bad thing: death is not the end of life, and in fact the life to come is far more glorious than we can imagine. I receive comfort from the fact that his earthly suffering is over, and I also know with everything in me that what he went through brought him untold spiritual gold. He used to laugh in the summer when he would get so brown from the sun, that he was burnished to a fine patina. Well, that is what God did with him, in the 'fire' of his last sufferings - burnished his soul to a fine patina.

However, suffer he did, and die he did. That is where my sorrow lies: not in his present glory, but in his past anguish. I know that I will eventually be able to let that go, just like eventually missing him won't hurt so much.

There is a line in a current mediocre movie that goes something like: people have to die, that's how we know how much we love them. While not strictly true, hearing the line made me think that the sadness I'm feeling now hasn't diminished the love I have for my dad - but it has coloured it, which means I can see it more clearly now, it is more evident to me. At the end of my life, all the sorrow and trials, all the people I've loved, will be like the most beautiful stained glass window. There is always Beauty to be found, where Light shines in, in the most unexpected ways. May our eyes always be open to see it, and give thanks for it.