There's no such thing as natural beauty

So quoted Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias as she teased and tortured the poor hair of Sally Fields or Julia Roberts. She did so with long painted nails, full-out southern hair and makeup, and clothes and accessories that would have taken a tactician hours to put together.


This scene came to mind because a friend recently waged war with an enemy familiar to many women. She emerged victorious, but is battle-scarred from the experience. She will make a full recovery, I know, but it has not been the gloriously effortless experience of beauty, fun, laughter, and sunshine promised by cosmetics advertising aimed at women.


Why is it that tabloids want us to recoil in horror at the pictures of starlets without their makeup, while men don't even have to shave for special occasions anymore?


It's not enough to colour our eyelashes with gunk, but we must make them thicker and longer. My mascara is sadly out of date, because it offers only 2x the volume; the newest versions are up to 5x. I feel so inadequately mascaraed!


My sister (who shall remain nameless) had a run-in with false lashes. I think the story ended with the lashes clinging to one corner, and she needed to remove them in a public loo. Of course before someone told her that she had a spider on her face, she thought she was look-in' pret-ty fine because she had spent all that day getting ready, and the 3 days prior in plannng and preparing the perfect outfit for this event. (or as much of that time as was available with her assorted little people underfoot)


Patricia Heaton - the wonderful actress from Everybody loves Raymond - wrote an autobiography several years ago. The book cover shows her in an Oscar gown, with rubber gloves on, holding a toilet brush. The back cover shows the pins holding the gown in place just so, and the rollers poofing her hair. Not only was it good for a chuckle, but it points out the truth: the picture-perfect beauties we see in magazines and on tv have a long story, a great deal of work, and many people behind them.


I'm sure you all have your stories: how three hours before the big event, you could be found in your bathroom with hair dye dripping down your shoulders, or how you tuck your socks into your shoes just right so as to hide the holes. Do you wear trousers all winter long due to depilitation avoidance? Do you now draw in your eyebrows because of over enthusiastically plucking during those horrid thin-browed 1990s?

Maybe you have excellent and helpful tips on post-disaster recovery, like how to correct poodle fuzz when the aim was casual curls and that special someone is going to knock on the door in exactly 20 minutes. What do you do about shoes that are a smidge too big? Straps that won't stay in place? We are supposed to roll out of bed perfectly tousled, teeth gleaming, and smelling of fruits of the forest. Who can live up to that without a little unnatural help? Share!